Exercise is the Best

Last night I started an exercise regime. Something I will do twice a day everyday. If I want to be my goal weight I have to work my butt off. I can't be lazy. Last night I got my mom's weights and did 60 weight lifts for my arms; 60 weight lifts on my thighs, each; 60 ab pilates; 100 jumping jacks; 100 rapid knee lifts. The pain feels so good :) Today morning I did the same but I improved the quality of my workouts. Working out helps get my mind off of food, even after I am done. I will lose all this flab before the year ends. I know it.

*Exercise tip: If you plan to workout twice a day, like I am now, stretch before and after  working out. Try massaging the areas of discomfort so they hurt less.

Forget It All

I was so crazy. No, I am not anorexic and no, I do not have anorexic thoughts. I'm serious. Well, maybe I have a few anorexic thoughts every now and then but just because you think about something doesn't mean you'll actually do it. I mean, just because you think about suicide when you hear the word doesn't mean you want to kill yourself. I am not pro-ana. I want nothing to do with anorexia. It's so cult-like. Something I detest.

Jeans Don't Lie

I know this girl who claims to have lost all sanity. But when she speaks about her life, I feel she and I are the same. She came over to our house one day after we had gone to the beach and sat on the top of the stairs and just cried her eyes out. She was speaking but the words she strung together didn't make much sense. I just sat there, like an idiot, and tried my best to comfort her. But then she said, "I can't do it anymore". The little pieces in my head came together. I knew she was starving. Maybe not your average, cold-cut anorexic starving, but she was getting there. I knew for a while she was up to something; how she would "miraculously" drop 2 or 3 dress sizes in less than a month. But she kept gaining all the pounds back and she wasn't necessarily skinny (actually she's bigger than my fat self) so I let it go. I didn't even flinch when she told people she was losing weight because of stress.
So as I watched her not eat a bowl of rice and turkey (my family didn't get the whole 'I refuse to eat thing); and just nibble around it and I'm thinking, "Can a girl who doesn't eat actually not be skinny?" She's insane, sure, the starving did that to her but I don't know how I am able to think about weight loss every second of my life and still manage to keep my sanity. I'm always in my head.
I guess it's because of the fact that I'm not completely bonkers that I am not yet a full-blown anorexic. Is that bad? And I guess it would shock any "normal" person how effortlessly I use the word anorexia. But jeans don't lie and I don't think you can be anorexic without being skinny. Or can you?

Put More Food on Your Plate and.. Eat Less?

So I was going to get skinny the obese way and eat two large bowls of oatmeal a day and workout 15min a day. That would make me lose 50 pounds in half a year. So this morning I put a cup of hot oatmeal on my platter and I took, like, 15 sips of it? I left half of the oatmeal but I still feel so extremely fat. I feel like all the anorexics would be staring in disgust at me (it's a caloric equivalent to 240). But I'm not ready for the real deal. I have to ease my way in I guess? And I feel as lazy as ever not working out the way anorexics do too. They spend hours working out on any given day and for me to do one hour means I had a really really good day. And anyway, why I am feeling so guilty? Isn't it a bad thing to be anorexic? Honestly, I don't know.

Thinspiration, if that's your Thing

A little bit of the juice that keeps my mind flowing and never lets me forget my goal. Hope it helps any of you guys.

First Glance

I remember the first time I read a pro-ana blog. It was innocently discovered; a mere accident. And as I was reading this girl's blog as she poured her heart out I was shocked and frightened. I couldn't believe someone whom I was taught to pity felt so similar to me. She complained about her bad days and rejoiced in her good days (when she ate very little). She blogged her goals and her progress. She posted pictures and I was so jealous. She had the life, it seemed. She was thin and I was an ugly hippo.

Bunch of Stuff

I want to get this out there. I feel like it's too important not to:
D.G. 5'9"
C.W. 163*
HW: 165
LW: 135
LTGW: 115

My mom says never to look at scales; says they're too discouraging. She doesn't realize, though, that scales are the no.1 way to track progress or...gulp: regress.
*Yes, I know. I am such a fatty. But not for long. I will get to my dream weight if it kills me. No pun intended. I think.

Do or Die

I officially give in. This lifestyle is mine. I'm far too weight-obsessed by now. Even if I am not anorexic, weight will always be on my mind. There's no escaping this. If I ever actually go to therapy, it'll just be out of laziness and false self-pity. I am not skinny. Not yet anyway. If they make me eat anymore than I already do, I'll be overweight by medical standards.
Sometimes, when I try to think of why I want to be thin so badly, I can't remember. I just know it'll make me happier. I feel people will like me so much more. And I'll like them, too. I guess it's vanity. That's all an ED is, really. But I'd rather be vain and skinny than fat. You know how you see those fat people on the street wearing skinny girl clothes that look terrible on them but they're still so happy? It's that inner satisfaction they have with themselves. They claim not to care that they aren't "little rails" like the girls on T.V. I can't see myself ever being satisfied with my body until I get skinny. Ever. And I don't really believe they don't look at those girls with such jealousy.

This time, I will get there. All the way down to 115lbs.